Well folks, it finally happened. After bitching and moaning about how much I hate love and not feeling anything for anyone… I finally feel something for someone. A flicker, a spark of some kind (a crush, if you want to put it that way). It wasn’t instantaneous, but it’s been growing over the last month, and boy oh boy have I enjoyed letting the flames slowly consume me.
But that’s the thing about playing with fire (corny ass metaphor), it’s definitely cool and fun, until you remember that it’s literally fucking dangerous and you could hurt yourself by messing around. Don’t be stupid. Don’t be impulsive with fire. I’ve learned that these last few weeks.
Sorry for the profanity, (and for the lack of posting) but I’ve been experiencing a lot of feelings I have yet to find the words for. So many of them are so new, and I feel like a caveman discovering fire for the first time (if you wanna go with that metaphor again).
I’m freaking out. Constantly. I’m excited. Scared. Curious. Guilty. Agitated. Electrified. And vulnerable. So insanely vulnerable. And I don’t know what to do really. I talk about it constantly, gathering the wise words of the people I love most, but at the end of the day, the ball is in my court. It always was.
So life update: I got into something exclusive with someone wayyy to fast for my liking. And it’s also over now. For the most part. It lasted three days “officially” (in total we only talked for a month), which is honestly kind of funny. But at the same time, I’ve never been so emotionally exhausted. I ended it yesterday.
Throughout this whole telenovela, I realized that choosing to form a close, intimate relationship with someone was always about me being ready to put my walls down. Not necessarily about trying to find the right person, but experimenting with it. Because in order to find the right person, you have to get comfortable with putting your walls down in the first place and practice letting people in. You have to be comfortable with discomfort and uncertainty.
And god it’s so hard, especially when the physical chemistry is so good. You just want to give your all to a person. But that’s not right, that’s how you open yourself up to things you weren’t trying to let in. And I let in a lot of unwanted energy this last month. I’m just glad I had my amazing friends to stop (and yell at) me before I lost myself completely.
I won’t say too much about that, I’d like to keep those experiences for myself. But I experienced a lot of firsts recently. And it was a whirlwind of emotion. Excitement, of course. That came from my first bouquet of flowers (given romantically, eye-roll). Anxiety, naturally, from the first sleepover. Though there was more laughing than sleeping done. And much, much more. Every few seconds I think I want to puke at the sheer amount of what has happened in the last few weeks.
And for someone who prides herself on sticking to her morals, and trying to uphold her boundaries as best as possible, I’ll admit that I’ve slacked in some many areas. Nothing was invaded or broken, but somethings were definitely pushed to points of discomfort. And I allowed it for the most part, trying to chase the new, exciting feelings. But as things progress, and start to become too serious for my liking, I felt that I need to slow back down again.
I don’t think that’s a sign my walls are coming back up, but I think it’s more of a reminder why they are there in the first place. Protection. Not isolation. And as a person new to the dating scene, protection is still valuable to me.
I don’t do impulsiveness. It’s not good for someone as anxious as I am. However, I won’t deny that it has been fun for the most part, and the guy I was seeing made all the right moves (it’s honestly suspicious haha). But he’s not perfect, and neither am I; so clearly this flame can’t be left unchecked. It needs a bit of tending to, lest we both burn. Or maybe it needs to be put out. I’m not sure yet.
This post is already all over the place. Too much swearing. Too many ‘fire’ metaphors to cover-up the vagueness in this narrative. It’s just too personal, but this blog is an extension of myself (specifically an outlet for my creative side), so I felt a need to shout out something. Would I be an artistic soul if I did not create every time I felt something big?? No, I wouldn’t. So this is me, shouting out into the void. Because I have a lot of big feelings right now and I don’t know what to do with them.
But I’m at least proud of myself for giving it a try. Even if all the big feelings scare me, even if there is a possibility that dating only gets worse from here, I’m happy I did it all. And I’ll treasure the good moments with all my heart. Because he did make me happy, for a little bit. But he also made me feel a lot of fear too.
I am definitely learning a lot about dating, and I’ve really enjoyed getting to become close with someone new. It was terrifying, but it’s also quite beautiful. If anything, it felt like the most human thing I’ve done in awhile.
Thanks for reading this post. It felt important because I missed last week’s post, and it is genuinely just a big part of what’s going on in my life right now. It felt weird not to write about it, so I thought I’d try. But there’s also a lot of other stuff too: I’m graduating next month (scary), I still need an adult job (scarier), and I’m still not sure where I want to be next year (scariest). This shit is so hard, no wonder people chase good feelings to try and avoid it all. Maybe I will go to grad-school in the fall instead! (Jokes… for now.)
Uncertainty is the great theme for the 2020s and also my 20s. And in a world that seems to be losing it’s head, I’ve somehow found the time to lose mine over a boy. But it’s not all that bad, at least I’m getting some character growth out of this.
Thanks for listening everyone :) Glad to have you here.
Sincerely,
Amelia.
this was 🔥 :) thanks for sharing <3