Two months ago, while my world was changing and swirling around me as my four years at university came to a close, a man told me he loved me. Not just that he was in love with me, but that he loved me. It was like I had found the eye of a hurricane, in the midst of all this chaos.
It was strange to see, to hear. And I thought I would feel completely different when it happened. But I did not fall to my knees, or break out in tears, or even pass out from the weight of a statement like “I love you.” Instead, I froze, in disbelief. Because even though I knew every hurricane had an eye, I never thought I would find it.
So I guess my reaction is to be expected, but what I said next is what surprised even me. I said, “I love you too.” And that’s what freaked me out. Because I had been going back and forth about it days before, wondering if I meant it, googling “how do you know when you’re in love”, debating when the right time to say it was. But he caught on, he wondered why I stuck around, and he said it first.
Because “you’re the only one who’s treated me the way I deserve” he said. And that broke my heart. Because in my head, I was just treating him the way I thought was right. The way I thought anyone should be loved. The way I would like to be loved.
So yes, I do love him. And I have been trying to love him for ages now, despite how uncomfortable and uncertain the journey has been. But I realize now that my love will not help him move on from what has hurt him in the past. That’s something he needs to heal on his own. And even though I want to be there to support him, holding on is hurting me (more than I can tolerate).
In the end, I finally realized the place that he holds in my life. He was my first boyfriend (this time for a few months instead of three days), and I saw in him the potential for so much more. And I loved him, the way I would love anyone who saw potential in me too, thinking that it would help him heal and grow.
I believe him when he says he loves me; when he says he would do anything for me; when he says he wants to follow me around the world and help me achieve my dreams. Because he is a good person, capable of love, wanting to love. But I know now that his heart isn’t healed yet, and it’s preventing me from being loved in the way I deserve.
So while there was a lot progress, the vulnerability that arose from him trying to open up to me quickly became too much for us to handle. Too much for me to handle. I’ll admit it; it’s time to slow back down again. Alone this time. Even though I love him still.
In the end, what he really ended up being was a lesson, in the form of one big mirror reflecting the kind of person I am. (Seems like most relationships always end up being lessons). I knew there was a reason he was so good at reading my mind, because I believe he was meant to teach me something about myself. He showed me that I was beautiful, smart, funny, all the things I had hoped I was. He stood in front of me and proved that they were true, and that I didn’t need to try so hard to keep proving it to other people.
He showed me that I was worthy of being taken care of; worthy of having dinner cooked for me; worthy of being taken out to the movies; worthy of putting the emotional load onto someone else. And as an eldest daughter, from an immigrant family, that means a lot to me (cliché but true). I had been so used to doing everything alone. It was nice to just have someone around, even if it was just to sit in silence together at the library.
But most importantly, he showed me that I was capable of even loving at all. After being alone for twenty-two years, you kind of forget what it is to love and care about someone. But being with him made me realize that I’ve been a loving person this whole time. Not just for him, but for everyone in my life. And the magnitude at which I am able to love someone is earthshaking, for both them and me.
So, I have always loved people, I have always believed they were deserving of love. It’s always been in my nature to love and care, and want the best for someone. That is the kind of person I am.
I did my best for him, and it wasn’t enough. But at least he knows that someone loves him, and maybe it’ll put him on the path towards loving himself.
Thank you for reading this post/vague life update. Been through a lot lately, missing all you on Substack. But in the time I was gone I was in love, so hopefully you all understand. Hope you enjoyed reading this, or took something from it; but even if you didn’t I’m just glad you’re here. Been needing to get this one off my chest, so thank you. Talk to you all soon.
♥️,
Amelia